Embracing the Gray: Why My All-or-Nothing Mindset Held Me Back

jenniferkwapis
Aug 19
3 min read

In Episode 12 of The Jennifer Kwapis Podcast, I opened up about something I’ve struggled with (and maybe you have too): all-or-nothing thinking. You know that feeling where if it’s not perfect, it’s a total failure? Yep, that one.

For me, this type of thinking has popped up in so many areas—parenting, work, relationships, even simple daily routines. It’s that little voice in my head saying, “If you can’t do it 100%, don’t even bother.” The problem is, life just isn’t black and white. It’s messy, colorful, and full of shades of gray.

Watch my full episode here!

A Parenting Example That Opened My Eyes

Just the other week, I caught myself falling into this trap with my kids. I had this Pinterest-perfect idea of how a family summer day should look—packed lunches, no screens, happy children frolicking in the sunshine (you know, the unrealistic dream).

Well… by 11 a.m., one kid was fighting with the other, and someone had forgot their water bottle when we got to the park, and I found myself thinking, “Forget it. The day’s ruined.” That’s my all-or-nothing mindset kicking in.

But here’s what actually happened: we ended up ditching the original plan, grabbing ice cream, and playing board games at home. And you know what? The kids still had fun. The day wasn’t perfect, but it was good. And good counts.

What All-or-Nothing Thinking Looks Like in My Life

When I fall into this trap, I notice:

I either give everything or shut down completely.
I judge myself harshly when something doesn’t go “exactly right.”
I get stuck thinking progress doesn’t matter unless it’s huge.

And let me tell you—living like this is exhausting.

Where It Comes From

I’ve realized this mindset is often rooted in:

Fear and stress—When I’m overwhelmed, I want control, and extremes feel like control.
Perfectionism—If it’s not done perfectly, I convince myself it’s worthless.
Past experiences—Times I’ve “failed” have reinforced this black-and-white thinking.
Mental health—Anxiety especially can make those extremes louder and more convincing.

How It Affects Me

The biggest danger? It keeps me stuck. If I think only “perfect” counts, I rob myself of the chance to learn, grow, or celebrate small wins. And honestly—most of life happens in those small, imperfect steps forward.

What I’m Doing to Break Free

I’m learning to shift out of extremes, and here’s how I’ve been practicing it:

Creating simple routines – Even small habits done consistently matter more than big bursts of effort.
Asking myself better questions – Instead of “Did I fail?” I try, “What would the middle ground look like?”
Letting go of rigid rules – Flexibility feels uncomfortable at first, but it’s freeing.
Challenging my inner critic – When that harsh voice shows up, I pause and ask if what it’s saying is actually true.
Sitting with uncertainty – This one is hard, but I’m realizing that not having a clear outcome doesn’t mean I’m failing—it often means I’m growing.

Why I Wanted to Share This
I know I’m not the only one who wrestles with extreme thinking. And if this is you too, I want you to know that you’re not broken—you’re just human. Real growth happens when we stop chasing perfection and instead lean into the messy middle.
So the next time you hear that all-or-nothing voice, try to pause and give yourself grace. Progress counts, even if it doesn’t look perfect.

Let’s Talk

Do you notice all-or-nothing thinking creeping into your life too? What helps you break out of it? I’d love to hear your thoughts—share them in the comments or come connect with me on social!

Want More?

If this resonated with you, I’d love for you to listen to the full conversation on Episode 12: The Dangers of All-or-Nothing Mindsets. I go even deeper into how this mindset has shown up in my own life and share more tools that can help you shift into balance.

👉 Click here to listen on Spotify

And if you enjoy the episode, make sure you subscribe to The Jennifer Kwapis Podcast—it’s totally free, and you’ll get notified every time a new episode drops. Subscribing also helps me keep creating the funny, honest, and encouraging content you love.

Because let’s be honest—we could all use a little less “all-or-nothing” and a little more grace. 💛